Monday, January 30, 2006

Overheard

I heard a language tonight that I've never heard before in my life. It sounded like Martian to me. Mentally I went throught the list of languages that I could identify: German - no, Arabic - maybe, Spanish - no, French - no, Italian - no, Mayan - no, Russian - maybe, Dutch - no, Swedish - no, Greek - maybe, Danish - no, back to Russian - maybe, I'm listening closer, trying to not look like I'm evesdropping, thinking that maybe its some eastern European language, we had tourists from Croatia earlier this year. Curious, I asked the couple (in Inglush) what they were speaking and they told me Turkish. The woman then gave me 2 gold safety pins with a couple of charms on it. One of the charms was a tiny ceramic heart with a swirl in the center and the other at first glance looked like a teensy hand grenade and on closer insepction was a cluster of grapes. They were for warding off the evil eye. I'm thinking, do you know something I don't know? I'm so superstitious. I always think that the forces out there are trying to communicate with me. Hey, I can use all the help I can get. And I immediately pinned them on my blouse.

Conversations you thought you'd never hear in real life:

Tonight I was witness to four wicked retorts that went totally unappreciated by the victims they were intended for, but I caught thesarcasm and wished I had such quick acidic whit.

- Lines from Night at the Roxberry-
Mr. Studly Spanish Policeman (with slightly too large booty) : psssssstt (through the walk up carry out coffee window for prisoners)
Middle Child Syndrome: yeah?
Mr. Studly Spanish Policeman: call me later...
Middle Child Syndrome: so is your number still 911?
Mr. Studly Spanish Policeman: yeah.... (with a funny look on his face, like he knows he's being mocked but he's not quite sure why)
Me: bwahhahahahaha (I try to not choke on my coffee

Just Spread the Love
Half Baked Artist: Baby when you cut my sandwich in half could you spread on a little bit of extra love?
Middle Child Syndrome: (deadpan) I love you enough to wash my hands before I make your sandwich and to not lick the food while I'm making it, that's all yur gettin frum me.
(I love her fake hillbilly accent - the best thing about it is when you're using it on a non-english speaker, they have NO idea that you're kidding because they don't have a clue about the North/South civil war thingy in the U.S. at all. - but I totally get it)
Me: how come no one ever flirts with me?

Later...
Middle Child Syndrome to Slightly Baked Artist: Dude, I'm not your girlfriend, I just make your coffee.

Note to the world: we don't speak to real customers like this, well not usually. Maybe I'll change the name of my business to Cafe Las Punishment, where you pay to be abused.

4th Conversation - last night
Phone call from Outer Space
RIng RIng, the phone rings at 1:30 a.m., geez... are the police not answering their phone again?
Bigness: wha? then rolls over because he realizes its the phone, the object that he never touches or speaks on.
Me: Hullo? then I drop the phone base on my foot.
Middle Child Syndrome's Ex: Is MCS there? (calling her from the U.S.)
Me: hold on I'll check.
I hobble over to the door that adjoins our apartments and peek. Yes she's there - alone - snoring (after all its 1:30 a.m.)
Me: psst! Phone for you, its your ex.
MCS: What?
Me: Phone for you.
I leave the phone off the hook and go back to bed, and try to not appear that I'm listening, but you all know... I am. I could only hear 1/2 of the conversation
Bignesss: zzzzzzzbbbbbbbbbggggggggpppppppp (snoring right through the war)
MCS: yeah? What are you calling me for?
MCS: what?
MCS: that's junk mail
MCS: they send that crap to everyone in the U.S.
MCS: well answer it then
MCS: they are just trying to get you to buy something
MCS: I don't care if the Publisher's Clearing House says I'm a winner and you think they really mean it this time... do you know what time it is here?
MCS: its the same time it is there you idiot, its 1:30 a.m. and I have to get up at in 5 hours and go to work.
Click, down goes the phone.
Me: snicker
Bigness: zzzzzzzbbbbbbbbbggggggggpppppppp

The cool cartoon above was heisted from Natalie D's website

2 comments:

Guyana-Gyal said...

You know, I really like this low-keyed humour of yours!

I can just hear MCS in that accent, just like in the movies. She's wicked and sharp, eh? Wish I can be quick on the uptake like that.

Caribbean Colors said...

She does the best hillbilly accent. I always think of great lines AFTER the fact.