Sunday, April 09, 2006

Whale, Whin I Wuz in Kowlige....

Write something funny a friend told me...
Now I'm under pressure.
I could write about Bigness whispering sweet nothings in my ear, a prelude to getting busy "Babes, bring me a ham & cheese sandwich when you come back... and 2 cokes"
I took too long and he had baked a sheet of chocolate chip cookies and eaten 1/2 of them...
But that's not all that funny, it doesn't involve torture.
Here on Caye Caulker we get to meet a lot of groovy people from all over the world. Artists, musicians, teachers, students doing archeology research, students doing public health projects, peace corps workers, the list goes on every day with interesting people
We got a lot of solo travelers because its so safe here.
We get a lot of solo travelers that are lonely, and some are off their medication (male and female) seeking the untouched paradise that they read about in the travel guide from 1985.
We get a lot of solo travelers, engaged in bad date conversation. (the kind where one person is nicely trying to dodge a nuisance, but unsuccessful)
... and drinking coffee. (I usually signal the unfortunate one that its o.k. to escape while the other is using the bathroom)
Note to the guys: if you want to score with the girls - Dutch Treat isn't the way, they want the tiramisu and double latte paid for... by YOU!
I'm not complaining, listening to bad date conversation, makes for better entertainment than TV most of the time. Notice to the world: your server is a real live person not a jack-in-the-box drive through speaker.
I'm not working the evening shift right now, MCS is... tee hee hee.
No, I didn't warn her.
See what you miss when you don't live smack in the middle of the village?
You have to read the next paragraph with a slightly stuffy Noth Kayolina accent.
Two old gay men came into the store. Not to buy anything, just to ask questions, waste time and sniff around before their "guide" rounds them up to go back.
Them: Whayl hellooooo thayr miss, whare dew yew come frum?
Me: Mars? (with a smile)
Them: hardy har har
Me: ...
Them: do you live here?
Me: yes (I can see that I'm not going to get away with the fake spanish accent this time so I start into the shpeil) I retired and moved to Belize 6 years ago, first living in San Pedro and then moved to Caye Caulker when San Pedro lost its appeal.
Them: retarred? yew look tew yun tew be retarred.
Me: thanks, I'm 45
Them: whale thayts too yung to retarr eneewayz, what deed yew dew?
Me: I was in print publishing, I had a small publishing company and in the mid 90s started doing design work for a Microsoft developer. (that's usually enough information - the lightbulb goes on, the ah-ha moment, we got her number, but not for these two men)
Them: dew yew lak livvin hair?
Me: yes, its paradise but its not heaven, its like any place, you always have things that you don't like and things that you like. (I'm always perplexed by this question, why would someone move way across the world to another country if they didn't like living there?)
"Them" splits into 2 personalities: Rich Old Gay Guy and Smart Old Gay Guy. Smart guy shuts up.
ROGG: my fraynd hair wonts tew teach kowlege in Buleeze.
Me: oh really, in Belize City or Belmopan
ROGG: whare evva
Me: that's nice
ROGG: whut deew yew do about haylth cayer?
Me: I try to not get sick, but if you do we have 2 doctors on the island, a full time nurse and now we have a pharmacy. If its life threatening injury, or if you're a British soldier, O.J. from the Oceanside Bar is our emergency guy for the island and he calls in the British Military Rescue Chopper. Cuba provides Belize with about 100 doctors on a humanitarian mission and we have one of the Cuban doctors living here on Caye Caulker. We also have a large public hospitalin Belize City and two private hospitals, Chetumal Mexico is just over the border and there's a big medical center there also.
ROGG: Kewbaw? Thayt Kaystro is the devil and he kayn go tew hayl.
I start looking around for hidden camera, thinking this is so corney, its got to be a setup. Am I on Candid Camera?
Me: The States is the only country in the world with a hard on for Cuba, they need to just get over it. And if you don't like Castro then you will hate Belize, because they LOVE him here.
ROGG: Kaystro won't even give his paypul tawlet paypa.
Me: I'm sorry you feel that way, have you ever been to Cuba?
ROGG: NO aynd yur just a big ole Kommunist, shame on yeew.
Me: time for you to leave and get back on your cruise ship. Buh Bye!
ROGG was really mad, but Smart Old Gay Guy was amused. Next time he should come without his travel partner, but who would pay the bills?
How did I know they were from the cruise ship? Clue #1, Their clothes matched. And by the time they get down to my end of the street they usually look like they are about to collapse. (Cruise Ship Customers = newly wed, over fed or nearly dead) How did I know they were gay? Other than the obvious (holding hands) One was wearing an ascot, the other had a tennis sweater tied around his shoulders, Reeboks so clean I WOULD have eaten off of them, coifed hair - with hair spray. Was that clear or natural nail polish?


Anonymous said...

Now...that was funny!
You made my day.

cadiz12 said...

i love sound-out posts. i can just see those guys walking around, stooped over, in their matching outfits.

Mary Beth said...

As I have said and said, Lee is the female Jerry Seinfeld of Caye Caulker.Here's another example. MB

Guyana-Gyal said...

I'll have to come back to finish reading...but the little I saw...Oh me Lawd! Wot a character!!!!

Beaner said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...That is a great story..just the chuckle i needed to start this week out..Thanks, Lee!