I've Never Thought of my Mother as a Sex Object

In fact, even though I’m nearly 46 years old, I’m still sure that my parents only had sex 3 times. Once for each of my brothers and once for myself. If any of my children are reading this I have to note that mommy and daddy had sex more than once to conceive you. (I can hear my children commenting now, with my psychic powers “Ewwwwww that’s gross Mom”)

While Mom was here we took a few drives, one to San Ignacio down the Western Highway, to the border to Guatemala, past the Mopan River, and another drive down the Hummingbird Highway to the Blue Hole National Park and then on to Dangriga. The weather sucked most of the 2 weeks she was here, we had rain, storms thunder and lightening. The Blue Hole wasn't so blue, it was more like a brown whirlpool from the weather. When it wasn't raining, she spent most of her time sitting under the coconut tree watching the sea.

While in San Ignacio we called on a friend of Bigness’s (Uncle Lucifer) who was staying at his sister’s house in the hills and had a nice visit, then we drove up to the border between Belize and Guatemala and were disappointed that no rioting was going on.

You never know what people are thinking and sometimes innocent encounters turn strange. So when Uncle Lucifer called a few days later on the phone asking for my mother, it did not compute.

Uncle Lucifer: Hullo there deary, this is Uncle Lucifer, may I speak with your mom?

Me: Uh… you mean the woman who has been married to my father for 55 years?

Uncle Lucifer: why yasss, is she there?

Me: Yes…

Uncle Lucifer: may I speak to her?

Me: (hurry think!) She can’t come to the phone right now, she’s in the other house resting. But Bigness is here, you want to talk to him?

Even though physically she was only about 10 feet away, there is no connecting door on the second floor between this side and that side. I would have to take about a 5 minute walk and go down the stairs to the beach, cut through the police yard or the pizzafarian's restaurant, then to the street, up the stairs, and then to the verandah. Way too much work!

Bigness: hey old boy, how’s it hangin?

Me: Shhhh! Don’t encourage him! (I’m making hand and eye gestures now, the finger circling around the ear, the finger slicing across the throat, the eyes rolling to the back of the head accompanied by teeth sucking)

I can only IMAGINE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION.

Bigness: oh, no she’s not here (and looks curiously and in wonderment at me doing my monkey antics, by this time I’m jumping up and down)

Bigness: oh for tru bwai, yes she does have smooth skin. She's not all wrinkled up like your last wife. (Uncle Lucifer has had 4 wives)

Bigness: Babes, how old is your Ma?

Me: She's 71... Why does he want to know?

Bigness: She’s 71

Bigness: oh yes, she does have a nice hair-doooooo

Bigness: Cultured, yes I think so, heighty tighty, in good shape too. Lee says she swims 3x a week and lifts weights.

Bigness: What?

Bigness: Love at first sight?

Bigness: You’re jokes bwai.

Bigness: She’s married.

Bigness: No she’s not moving here.

Bigness: She’s married

Bigness: To Lee's dad.

I’ve stopped jumping up and down... and am standing still and open mouthed.

Bigness laughs at a few things and then hangs up.

Bigness: He’s keyrazey.

Me: Tell him to stop lookin at my Ma.

Later that day…

Me: Mom, Uncle Lucifer called for you.

Mom: eeewwwww

Photos:

Belly Full on the Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Leafcutter Ants on a trail in the Blue Hole National Park