Monday, July 31, 2006

I've Never Thought of my Mother as a Sex Object

In fact, even though I’m nearly 46 years old, I’m still sure that my parents only had sex 3 times. Once for each of my brothers and once for myself. If any of my children are reading this I have to note that mommy and daddy had sex more than once to conceive you. (I can hear my children commenting now, with my psychic powers “Ewwwwww that’s gross Mom”)

While Mom was here we took a few drives, one to San Ignacio down the Western Highway, to the border to Guatemala, past the Mopan River, and another drive down the Hummingbird Highway to the Blue Hole National Park and then on to Dangriga. The weather sucked most of the 2 weeks she was here, we had rain, storms thunder and lightening. The Blue Hole wasn't so blue, it was more like a brown whirlpool from the weather. When it wasn't raining, she spent most of her time sitting under the coconut tree watching the sea.

While in San Ignacio we called on a friend of Bigness’s (Uncle Lucifer) who was staying at his sister’s house in the hills and had a nice visit, then we drove up to the border between Belize and Guatemala and were disappointed that no rioting was going on.

You never know what people are thinking and sometimes innocent encounters turn strange. So when Uncle Lucifer called a few days later on the phone asking for my mother, it did not compute.

Uncle Lucifer: Hullo there deary, this is Uncle Lucifer, may I speak with your mom?

Me: Uh… you mean the woman who has been married to my father for 55 years?

Uncle Lucifer: why yasss, is she there?

Me: Yes…

Uncle Lucifer: may I speak to her?

Me: (hurry think!) She can’t come to the phone right now, she’s in the other house resting. But Bigness is here, you want to talk to him?

Even though physically she was only about 10 feet away, there is no connecting door on the second floor between this side and that side. I would have to take about a 5 minute walk and go down the stairs to the beach, cut through the police yard or the pizzafarian's restaurant, then to the street, up the stairs, and then to the verandah. Way too much work!

Bigness: hey old boy, how’s it hangin?

Me: Shhhh! Don’t encourage him! (I’m making hand and eye gestures now, the finger circling around the ear, the finger slicing across the throat, the eyes rolling to the back of the head accompanied by teeth sucking)

I can only IMAGINE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION.

Bigness: oh, no she’s not here (and looks curiously and in wonderment at me doing my monkey antics, by this time I’m jumping up and down)

Bigness: oh for tru bwai, yes she does have smooth skin. She's not all wrinkled up like your last wife. (Uncle Lucifer has had 4 wives)

Bigness: Babes, how old is your Ma?

Me: She's 71... Why does he want to know?

Bigness: She’s 71

Bigness: oh yes, she does have a nice hair-doooooo

Bigness: Cultured, yes I think so, heighty tighty, in good shape too. Lee says she swims 3x a week and lifts weights.

Bigness: What?

Bigness: Love at first sight?

Bigness: You’re jokes bwai.

Bigness: She’s married.

Bigness: No she’s not moving here.

Bigness: She’s married

Bigness: To Lee's dad.

I’ve stopped jumping up and down... and am standing still and open mouthed.

Bigness laughs at a few things and then hangs up.

Bigness: He’s keyrazey.

Me: Tell him to stop lookin at my Ma.

Later that day…

Me: Mom, Uncle Lucifer called for you.

Mom: eeewwwww

Photos:

Belly Full on the Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Leafcutter Ants on a trail in the Blue Hole National Park


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh how funny! your mum should be flattered, there are thirty something's out there who dont get that much attention.
Vegemite on toast (saw your link from GG's page)

Rainypete said...

Your mum is likely impressed that she still looks so good and creeped right out at the same time.

Mad Bull said...

This is FUNNY!

Ale said...

that's hillarious! reminds me how my grandma got a boyfriend at 72 and was complaining that he is too old for her being 76!

Anonymous said...

You gotta love it! Your Mom has got it goin' on! That means that when YOU are 71 that you have it goin' too! Rejoice! Welcome back to blog land. I've missed you. MB

Guyana-Gyal said...

You go, Lee's mother, you go girl, you got yourself an admirer!!!

DCveR said...

Not all women gather admirers at 72! You gotta give that to your mom...

Older daughter said...

I forgot to mention that there is a Belly Full Restaurant in Ladyville, got to say that their food is good and apart from that they do natural juice refills if you eat there....and yeah, you get to leave there with your belly (stomach) full:) :D

Caribbean Colors said...

I think she'll live to be 100. The only problem she's having is with one of her knees being stiff. I was proud of her, first deciding to make the trip, without my father (who she refers to as the old stick-in-the-mud who-never-wants-to-go-anywhere) and then flying into Cancun and then taking an 8 hour bus ride down. MCS met her in Cancun and was the guide. When she left Belize we took her back up to Mexico, just across the border to Chetumal, and got her on the bus to Cancun, and she took it on her own from there.

Caribbean Colors said...

I called her later to see if she made it home o.k. and she did. She also said "I now know why you like living there"
Hmmm... Bigness thinks she's going to want to move down here. I don't think so, its a great place to visit short term, but its way too funky for most people.