Easter weekend we went to Bigness’ brother’s 50th wedding anniversary party. It was lots of great food, open bar, and a band. Who could turn down an open bar? Almost the whole extended family was here from Belize and even the states. The party was next door at his nephew’s restaurant. We had all had a few drinks and the band was playing. Anyone who knows me knows I can’t drink. I’m a cheap drunk, I’ll admit it. After 1 drink I start to feel a little bit sassy. After 2 drinks I feel slap happy. After 3 drinks and I’m taking my top off. Fat Rosa was the bartender. Fat Rosa has a crush on Bigness and was wearing her I Dream of Jeanie outfit, complete with thong, I’m sure to impress him.
I was belly up to the bar next to Oldest Daughter and Belikin Betsi. I don’t speak creole well or even very often – but I am understanding more and more every day. I only know a few phrases and try to use them whenever I can. I point at Fat Rosa with my lips and baby finger, raise my eyebrows and discretely say “gial look she wind she dutty kratch.” Hardy har har, I laugh into my hand. And I think to myself, I am so cool. Probably if some had given me a mirror at that point my mascara hadn't quite melted and run down my hot greasy face yet.
The band was playing more than loud. The band was so loud that it was shaking Bigness' house next door. I was afraid we would shatter windows.
Me: Look, (I say again, not only pointing with my lips, but with my whole face now, I nod my head towards her) Your Sister, (hardy har har), She Wind She Dutty Kratch. (I should explain the sister comment. In Belize when a younger woman is scorned by an older man, as revenge and to stir up trouble she will go to the children of the family and claim she's the man's daughter, throwing the children into a tizzy.)
Oldest daughter: "huh?"
Belikin Betsi: "What you say?"
Me: (I speak creole as well as I speak my mushmouth Spanish.) I take a deep breath and then I let loose with all the hot wind power I can muster. Belting out rude remarks over megadecible music at what is equivalent to a rock concert, with the person you’re mocking, standing 3 feet away is normally not a problem. Only people 12 inches away can hear you anyway. The problem arose when the music stopped about 1/100th of a second before I screamed “LOOK FAT ROSA SHE WIND SHE DUTTY KRATCH!”
Dead silence. All eyes turn in my direction. Oldest daughter and I turn to each other, eyebrows raise and we do the best darn job we can pretending I didn't just scream LOOK AT FAT ROSA DANCE HER DIRTY CROTCH AROUND.