I've Never Thought of my Mother as a Sex Object

In fact, even though I’m nearly 46 years old, I’m still sure that my parents only had sex 3 times. Once for each of my brothers and once for myself. If any of my children are reading this I have to note that mommy and daddy had sex more than once to conceive you. (I can hear my children commenting now, with my psychic powers “Ewwwwww that’s gross Mom”)

While Mom was here we took a few drives, one to San Ignacio down the Western Highway, to the border to Guatemala, past the Mopan River, and another drive down the Hummingbird Highway to the Blue Hole National Park and then on to Dangriga. The weather sucked most of the 2 weeks she was here, we had rain, storms thunder and lightening. The Blue Hole wasn't so blue, it was more like a brown whirlpool from the weather. When it wasn't raining, she spent most of her time sitting under the coconut tree watching the sea.

While in San Ignacio we called on a friend of Bigness’s (Uncle Lucifer) who was staying at his sister’s house in the hills and had a nice visit, then we drove up to the border between Belize and Guatemala and were disappointed that no rioting was going on.

You never know what people are thinking and sometimes innocent encounters turn strange. So when Uncle Lucifer called a few days later on the phone asking for my mother, it did not compute.

Uncle Lucifer: Hullo there deary, this is Uncle Lucifer, may I speak with your mom?

Me: Uh… you mean the woman who has been married to my father for 55 years?

Uncle Lucifer: why yasss, is she there?

Me: Yes…

Uncle Lucifer: may I speak to her?

Me: (hurry think!) She can’t come to the phone right now, she’s in the other house resting. But Bigness is here, you want to talk to him?

Even though physically she was only about 10 feet away, there is no connecting door on the second floor between this side and that side. I would have to take about a 5 minute walk and go down the stairs to the beach, cut through the police yard or the pizzafarian's restaurant, then to the street, up the stairs, and then to the verandah. Way too much work!

Bigness: hey old boy, how’s it hangin?

Me: Shhhh! Don’t encourage him! (I’m making hand and eye gestures now, the finger circling around the ear, the finger slicing across the throat, the eyes rolling to the back of the head accompanied by teeth sucking)

I can only IMAGINE THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION.

Bigness: oh, no she’s not here (and looks curiously and in wonderment at me doing my monkey antics, by this time I’m jumping up and down)

Bigness: oh for tru bwai, yes she does have smooth skin. She's not all wrinkled up like your last wife. (Uncle Lucifer has had 4 wives)

Bigness: Babes, how old is your Ma?

Me: She's 71... Why does he want to know?

Bigness: She’s 71

Bigness: oh yes, she does have a nice hair-doooooo

Bigness: Cultured, yes I think so, heighty tighty, in good shape too. Lee says she swims 3x a week and lifts weights.

Bigness: What?

Bigness: Love at first sight?

Bigness: You’re jokes bwai.

Bigness: She’s married.

Bigness: No she’s not moving here.

Bigness: She’s married

Bigness: To Lee's dad.

I’ve stopped jumping up and down... and am standing still and open mouthed.

Bigness laughs at a few things and then hangs up.

Bigness: He’s keyrazey.

Me: Tell him to stop lookin at my Ma.

Later that day…

Me: Mom, Uncle Lucifer called for you.

Mom: eeewwwww

Photos:

Belly Full on the Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Blue Hole National Park

Western Highway

Leafcutter Ants on a trail in the Blue Hole National Park

FaShizzle

Let's play a game.
What makes this noise?
Bleep
Pop
Zzztttttt
PFffffpppppp
BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP
You guessed right.
It's my computer - AGAIN.
This THING has ridden more on the water taxi this month than I have.
It should qualify for the frequent rider's discount.

Computer Technician: No Miss its not the motherboard.
Me: are you sure?
Computer Technician: We're not quite sure why the brand new ram blew up, but our theory is that something interefered with it.
Me: Something interfered with it?
Computer Technician: Yes...
Me: Something like what?
Computer Technician: Well Miss, its not good to leave the side panels off your computer.
Me: I did that because I was having so many problems, that to get this machine to go, I had to wiggle and tap on all kinda stuff.
Computer Technician: When you leave the side covers off things can interfere.
Me: Like what things.
Computer Technician: Uh Miss, we found a dead gecko inside your computer.
Me: . . . oh . . .
Computer Technician: Your computer will be ready tomorrow.
Me: . . . thanks . . .
Bigness: What was wrong with it?
Me: Nothing. They fixed it.

Lightening Strikes, Twice

Well, as you have probably figured out by my long pauses in conversation, that the computer repairs did not go as well as expected. Missing this and missing that from my newly reformatted hard drive was annoying, but not fatal. It went like the time I took my Saab in for a new exhaust system and it turned out that the loud noises coming from the hole in my muffler actually masked the strange sound coming from my engine. And then lightening struck (while I was checking the satelite images for approaching storms) to add another dimension to the confusion. I didn't know you could blow up a computer through a DSL line and a bolt of lightening. The things I learn every day. So, the computer had to go on the water taxi Belize City for another week. When I got it back, they had not included the power supply cord, and we don't have a computer store on this island of 1000 people + 300 tourists. I've learned from my mistakes though, if you throw your ocmputer through the window in frustration, it probably won't work right again... so don't do that.

In the meantime...
Add to the mix a ton of coca cola (packaged in 1 kilo bricks) dropped offshore between Caye Chapel, Caye Caulker, Ambergris Caye and Xcalac Mexico with the ensuing Police Carrying Machine Guns Unit, Special Unit to Watch the Police Unit, The Men in Dark Sunglasses Posing as Tourists Unit, followed by the The White Men in Polo Shirts and Dark Pants Carrying Cell Phones Unit. I personally have not witnesses any of the feeding frenzy going on the reef, because I don't have time to study those people as I'm trotting around the block chasing United Nations Baby who has suddenly decided that she's a big girl and can take off down the road any time she wants. I feel like I'm training a puppy.

And then...
Somewhere around July 7th I became Mrs. Bigness. The bride wore white because her mother wasn't here to stop her.

And Speaking of Mothers...
Mine is here now, rattling around in the kitchen, trying to figure out the electronic ignition on this fancy pants stove that Bigness bought me. We're about to take off for the wild blue yonder and do a country tour by car in 3 days. Its a small country.